The mirror isn’t my friend today nor was it yesterday or the day before that. It shows the reflection of an ugly girl. It shows a girl who is not pretty just like the rest. My eyes look lifeless. My hair seems dull. My skin isn’t flawless. My jaw line seems too wide. My shoulders are stocky. And to top it all, I’m fat.
Yes, I am FAT. Obese. Overweight. That’s me. I always wear bulky clothes just to cover my figure, to hide my ugly self. My extra large shirt barely covers my bulging waistline. What’s next? DOUBLE XL clothes??!!
Life is so unfair . My pudgy fingers stuff a mouthful of cake in my mouth. Why am I so fat. And so I take a huge bite of this sweet chocolate. And another.. and another.. until I couldn’t take anymore of it. I feel so helpless and the only thing I can do is cry and EAT and EAT.
I can CHANGE.
I can be PRETTY.
I can be THIN.
I nodded. Determination is visible in my face. I can do this.
I entered the bathroom and squat next to the toilet. I opened my mouth and forced my index finger deeper.
I will be beautiful just like my friends.
I will become thin.
And I vomited.
I vomited until every drop/piece of the food went out. I vomited as if my life depended on it. At that moment, I felt it did.
And that’s how it all started. Over eating and purging. Over eating and purging. A cycle and I became it’s slave.
I did not think that what I was doing was wrong. I was becoming thinner. My clothes became too big for me. I was becoming a different person.
Or so I’ve thought.
Then one day they brought me to the hospital because I fainted. I had been severely dehydrated and the doctor found out I already have esopahagitis. My mother brought me not just because of the fainting episode but because I don’t have any meat left on my bones. They were already worried that my condition may get worse if I’m not treated immediately. I was already a waking skeleton. I was severely underweight. And I realized all of it almost a little too late.
I have BULIMIA NERVOSA. It is a type of eating disorder characterized by binge eating and purging or consuming a large amount of food in a short amount of time followed by an attempt to rid oneself of the food consumed (purging), typically by vomiting, taking a laxative or diuretic, and/or excessive exercise.
Yes, I got what I thought I wanted. But is this what I really wanted?
I stare at my toothpick fingers. I can see my bones, and my hair is thin and wispy. I don’t like how I look.
“Now I know, it’s not always about being thin and being sexy. We all need to be healthy.
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